. 24

twenty-four
.
yet eighteen
lost and only questions
what a low

twenty-four
.
what is it?
look at me
did you expect more?

the daily nihilist no.4

Remember these little facts one had learnt at school, didn't pay much attention to back then because they didn't hold any meaning to you particularly and they only click in when you're older and suddenly can relate to it?

Like realizing Ludwig van Beethoven also suffered from hyperacusis, alongside tinnitus and hearing loss. Yet he managed to compose these exact masterpieces you listen to when in need for a background noise for your tinnitus!

Or how Vladimir Lenin, after establishing a name for himself, tried to cope with headache on regular basis, as well as with insomnia and hyperacusis.

What do these examples prove then? That you're still able to create something beautiful despite your disadvantages? Or that you're capable of horrible acts, causing many casualties in pursuit of 'the perfect socialist revolution', when you give in to your suffering and unexpressed anger?

Or maybe just that random thoughts and truly meaningless links, together with combination of dark humour and with being even more cynical, are the only right answer to all questions troubling you.

balcony

also known as

Buffer Zone 

between personal space and shared public area

.
everyone should have a balcony
.
and I want a love that falls as fast as
a body from a balcony
- Mitski

death . part 2

Therefore, next time you hear somebody say: 'I never ever wish to own or even to drive a car.', maybe think twice before you laugh?
Maybe don't ask them uncomfortably too many questions?
Maybe don't try to ridicule a person for their own choices, however unusual they may seem?

Because it's very likely they have a bloody good reason for it.

death . part 1

I witnessed a death yesterday. It's bizarrely true that accidents sometimes happen in such an apparent slow motion, yet one is too freezed to change a course of somebody else's action.

I can still see her eyes wide and filled with horror.
I can still see her mouth half open, grasping for more breath as her organs inside are, twisting and turning, eventually failing her.
I can still see the ungraspable 'living' dissappearing from the whole 'being'.

And I still cannot but think it should have been me, jumping in front of that car to stop it. I'm so terribly sorry I didn't. Forgive me. If you ever can.